Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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