I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
