why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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