it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Randomize
