even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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