She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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