Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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