My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
