I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
