You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
