omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
