I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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