dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
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