Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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