She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
