Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
