Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Randomize
