I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
quick i need to know how implid consent works for golf carts
too late i think im gettin a gcui
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
