How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
