i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
