I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
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