I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
