I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I wish you could order shots online.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Randomize
