You just made me feel so damn special
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
