She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Found the puke drawer
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
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