everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Also, beer. Big fan.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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