This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
