roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Randomize
