I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I AM VODKA MAN
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Randomize
