Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
