i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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