Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Randomize
