just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Randomize
