I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Randomize
