I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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