Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
