i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
