you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
