how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
