I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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