i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Randomize
