Fine. I'll sleep in my office
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
