i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
