I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
