Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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