Ambien. No doubt about it.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
