You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
