Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
