I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Randomize
