No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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